Something Like Drowning

It just feels as if life is going under

Like you are stuck on a sinking boat

All alone in the endless ocean

Only problems stretching far and wide

Just misery to keep you company

No, you won’t die.

You are not in the middle of a tsunami

You are not in the middle of a hurricane

You are not in the middle of an earthquake

You are not caught in a war

It just feels like the world is going to end

But no, it is going to be fine.

The sky feels like it’s going to crash any moment

The weight of the world lies heavy on your shoulders

It never allows you to get too far

It’s sad, I know, but life has its moments

It’s fine. It’s not that big of a mess

You’ll get thorough it; you’ll be fine.

You don’t have a life threatening disease

You don’t have broken body parts

You are not blind, deaf or dumb

Nor are you someone without a heart

You are not going to die

It is going to be fine.

There are always people in this world

With more troubles, more problems than you have

No, I don’t want to shame you, or make you feel bad

Your problems are your own, as are your troubles

So don’t undermine them, or label them trivial

They are a trial to deal with, for they are your own

But it’ll never change that you are going to be fine.

You may think you are useless

You may think you don’t work enough

You may think you don’t take things very far

That whatever you do wouldn’t make a difference

You may think you aren’t worth it

You cannot get it all right

You think you cannot deal with this

You think it is too hard

You think it’s going to swallow you whole

Maybe even rip you completely apart

It’s out of your reach, whatever it is that you need

But it isn’t as you think; it’s going to be fine.

You aren’t perfect, you can’t achieve it all

You are nothing but a human

Flaws adorn you, making you who you are

Don’t be in such a hurry; breathe, and live your life

Don’t even think to apologise

Because you are perfect, whoever you are.

Perhaps, today you can’t look at the world

Without tears forming in your eyes

Perhaps, tomorrow, days from now

You’ll be able to smile bright and shine

The world won’t end without notice

You, you have all the time you need.

One day, you’ll look back at the problems

The problems seem larger than life, veiling all your joy

And think how could they have been so big!

That they blinded all the little things

Little things that are most important

Little things that bring you joy

So trust me, it will be fine.

When you are on the sinking boat alone

In the midst of the ocean of problems

Try not to panic, the boat won’t sink

You won’t drown even if you can’t swim

Just know, as I know, when you get past it

You’ll sprout wings and fly…

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Hiatus (poem)

Wish I could’ve put loving on hiatus

Then I could think, but not overthink

As I’m wont to do when in love

But detached I could see unbiased

If we were meant to be

If yes, maybe I could know

What’s stoping us from being together

And work, work, and work

To correct the faults and cracks

That alas, are keeping us apart

Really though, I could use a break

A break from love

‘Cause some days, it eats me

That I haven’t figured out

The art of approaching love

The science of togetherness

And it drives me mad

Why one person can mean so much

That you wait all the time for them

And you pray, even though you don’t believe

For them to come to you

Happy

Of course I want you to be happy

But the way that you’re happy

Makes me unhappy

So I implore you to be

Just a tiny bit considerate

It’ll be selfish of me to voice this out

So I’ll just think it

It’ll be my little, private thing

Hidden in the safe confines of my mind

Real?

After many years of loving him, she discovered that she was not even sure her desire was real, and that her longing for the person himself had become a habit she could not break.

Because after such a long time, the memories of the past had taken a dream like quality, and the details she cherished so much, became more and more unreal.

The Conundrum

I once met this boy

A calm, assuring yet arrogant angel

He drew me close and gave me joy

And then, too late, one day

I realised he was the Devil

And that I couldn’t walk away

I couldn’t help but inch closer

Still, for a while, everything seemed well

Time seemed to go slower and slower

Until, he opened his true eyes and bid me goodbye

And then gave me away to the fires of hell

Even falling, I just couldn’t help but cry

It hurt! Was it the misplaced trust, his betrayal?

Or that to love me, he was unable…

Why I Don’t Plead

I want this, and I want it bad

Not for you to bleed, but me to plead

It’s not courage that I lack

But the promise of reward

Blue

Sometimes in life

You feel so blue

Like the world doesn’t love

And nor do you

Verb Soup

I liked what it was

I loved what it could have been

What I didn’t like

Was what it should be

But what it isn’t

And would never be

Turning Back Time

For the Harry Potter fans out there, just wonder if you had a time turner!

.

Sometimes I really wish time had a rewind button.

All those regrets…

Things I could have done and things I shouldn’t have but did.

The chances missed.

Bitter words said that I never meant.

All those words left unsaid.

The things I gave up on halfway.

If only I had a little more patience, a little more time.

So much could have changed, if I had only…

But the truth is there is no guarantee that life would indeed be better. With time things change and so do people.

Perhaps it is good that you can’t control time- it’s better not to mess with an entity older than the universe itself.

Perhaps you wouldn’t even recognize your own self turning back time.

Yet I can’t help but wish for time to wait for me to catch up, for a part of me is still living in the past and I am not ready to move on.

I think I’ll never be ready.

My Far Away Land

There lies this land, out of reach

With many a happy memory,

With boundless happiness hard to breach,

And joy so full of melody.

,

This land, I never did visit

It knows not pain or sorrow

Where sadness, spite nor despair do exist,

And people look towards tomorrow.

.

A land full of love and peace,

That there lies no damning desperation

Free of inner demons haunting on their release

With no frustrations, no aspersions and no self-destruction.

.

Yet this land is just my illusion,

My abode against devastation.

In The Meadow

With my eyes open,

I try to catch

The endless dreams,

From starry skies.

My arms held wide,

For the moon’s embrace.

A smile lives upon my lips

Wanting to capture the mesmerising beauty

Of a child’s paradise.

And hair flowing as the river,

Hugging the earth’s grassy realms

And the nature’s enchanting palette

Never lets the mischievous glint to die.

But the breeze on my face tells me

The sky is too far,

Hard to reach,

Hard to touch.

And a lone tear slowly trickles down my cheek,

Never to be found…

Voice

I’m in love with the way your voice embraces my name.

It was the first time I realised I was in love, when you called out to me out of the blue.

Drop by my Wattpad —> https://my.w.tt/oquNn8TqCV

Loops and Spirals

Loving you is being stuck in a never ending loop that just might turn into a spiral. With every turn, I start to take interest, like you, get a tad obsessed, love you, get really obsessed, miss the hell out of you, get high talking to you and love you truly madly deeply. Then we drift apart.

You stop replying, stop talking and when we do talk, all we do is fight. Then you ignore me, I get depressed. Eventually though, I ignore you too. As the days pass by, I decide you aren’t worth it and finally let go. There even comes a time that I am happy for you, wherever and with whomever you are.

Then one day, with no warning, it starts over again. And before I know it, I’m awaiting your texts again.

I’m not who I used to be though. A little more cautious, a little more hesitant. Even more afraid than I used to be, for I now know what heartbreak feels like.

But I’ll never forget. The first time I feel in love with you was the best and the worst time of my life. And I don’t know how many times I will fall in love with you during my lifetime. You were always my constant. You are my Sun. Scorching hot but it’s in your shadow that I truly shine.

Also, if anyone is on Wattpad, check this out —> https://my.w.tt/zrEJ3NlqCV

Embers, Kindling And Chaos

If you told me that I’ll stop loving you one day, probably, I would have laughed at you. But today, the universe mocks me. I never understood how potent time could be, and how distance isn’t measured only with miles. Even though I knew dripping water can erode rocks given time. Even if I was reluctant to believe how people who were so close, could become so far part. As they say: the older you grow, the wiser. But what they do not say, is that the journey to become wiser is fraught with pain.

The truth why unrequited love does not last is that while embers can start a fire, it takes more than just embers to keep a fire burning. And I am wont to admit that I’ve run out of kindling. It is a consumable commodity, and time… Time flies and memories fade. You become more and more unsure if the emotions you felt were as intense as they seem to be or was it all just a mirage. Time moulds the past into dreams.

It bereaves me to have lost this love, because trust me, I have lost a huge chunk of myself with it. My love for a long time defined who I was; on the other hand, coping with its loss and rediscovering myself will define who I will be.

I’ve finally let go and it is perhaps one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made. However, entropy moves only in one direction— towards chaos. So, I’m more bereft than I bargained to be. Within me, there is more chaos than there was at the beginning.

The older I grow, the farther I see, and the more I doubt this path I have woven. I ask myself, do choices sculpt who you are or do you make the choices? Is it choices that really matter, or the cascade of events that follow each one? How much of your life is actually under your control? There are more questions than there are answers.

So, this New Year, I wish to be at inner peace. And also, to set my soul at ease.

Long time, no see. It’s New Year Eve and here’s the last post for the year 😉

Letting Go

I wish it was another whim
But God! I really love him
This secret, I entrust to you
So long, I kept it hidden from view
Perhaps, he is my personal totem
But I cannot love him out in open

He loves another, you see
Perhaps this is the way things may be
Even in the future, but I’ll be the same
Loving him, still hidden in shame
I am not ashamed, not really
I feel really sad, but never silly

Rather, I should say, he is precious
It has nothing to do with how he dresses
Nor his face, the manner of his speech
He has always been out of my reach
If he were any different, I’d be proud to say
Still, I would love him the same way

If I could, I’ll stay by him all day and night
And hug him, whenever I can, with all my might
I want to give him all he could ever desire
To watch, as his eyes light up with fire
What all he feels, I want to feel
All his cracks, this way, I want to heal

It’s strange, this wish, to hide him away
To keep him safe from harm’s way
This desire to cherish, to spoil him rotten
To give him joy that I’ve forgotten
As days turned to years, I still yearned
The flame in my heart, brighter it burned

Perhaps, soon all that is left of me would be ashes
But I know he will be even better as time passes
I know I am rather plain, and undeserving
But my love will always be unswerving
So, I wish him happiness, all the stars above
They say you should let go of the one you love

I am afraid my presence would be a rife
So I want not to interfere in his life
When I think of him, I always envision him smile
It hurts me to think along any other line
It is selfish of me, but him I really do miss
So, God, would you grant me this little wish?

All his life, would you have him smile?
And think of me, every once in a while…

If Things Were Different

I am sorry, I should say
I am sorry for running away
For not taking your hand
When you extended it
For saying no and being so scared

I wish I had more courage
To be myself around you
I wish I hadn’t fidgeted so much
Or looked away
When your eyes met mine
Our gazes always seemed to meet
So uncannily, as if it were meant to be

I wish I had the courage
To look right at you
To look right through you
Through all your pretences
Beyond all social niceties
Just to meet your gaze and smile
Instead of shying away
Being so embarrassed
Feeling so guilty
As if I were committing a crime

I wish I had the courage
To let those words leave my lips
Words I ached to speak
Words that hurt so much
The words that held the longing
Both my heaven and hell
All that I kept suppressed

If I had the courage
To talk to you without restraint
As if that were true!
But if it were
I am sure I would have talked
For hours without end
Hoping, always hoping
That you wouldn’t be bored
That you would be hung on my every word
As I am on yours

I wish I had the courage
To overwhelm the fear I held
That you would leave me by myself
And then I would be all alone
Or worse, you would so it
After I get a taste of how we could be
I would wallow in sorrow
I am sure
I don’t think I could recover
From that blow
Or watch your retreating back

I am sure you are the most addictive
Imperfectly perfect
Loved for your flaws
The person I want to be with
Above all others
The person I do cherish
Above all others
The person whom I would be strongly ecstatic
To be belonging to
The person whom I want to be mine
As if humans were chattel!
Such a silly person I am

Yet, I wish to be yours
Somehow, that is what keeps
Driving me forward
Pushing me forth
Even though I have yet to
Have the courage to even
Meet your damned gaze!

I wish I could know you
Truly, and not just in my dreams
Outside my dreams
Outside all that I wish for
And all that happens in
That fictional world in my mind
Where we have lived many lives
And all of them together

If only it were as simple
To meet your gaze
See you smile at me
Resonate that profound emotion
And be yours, only yours
Forever.

Miles Apart

Before, between us was peace, laughter and the feeling of belonging. Now, there are only miles separating us. And even in the unlikely situation where we stand next to each other, neck to neck, there would still be miles between us.

Love Is In The Wait

How do you love someone who doesn’t and wouldn’t love you back?

I have asked myself this question more times than I’ve answered it.

The answer is fickle and changes every time; my love for him doesn’t.

He’s an idiot. Or maybe it is me, who is the fool.

He used to talk to me. If he didn’t like me he shouldn’t have talked. Especially not for humouring me.

He used to text me. He still does sometimes, on rare days that are so endangered that they might as well be extinct. But these days, he talks in syllables, not words. And definitely not sentences.

As I said, these instances are rare. Most days, he just ignores me. He doesn’t even bother with an emoji.

There was a time when he used to tease me with an emoji or something like “okay” or “k” or “yes” again and again till I got so annoyed I texted him mock death threats that I somehow knew he would be laughing at. Perhaps he even did, but I would never know for sure.

It is not like we even talk anymore. At all.

But what I have realised is that you don’t need love to be loving someone. Hope is all you need, however dismal.

Love, though….Love is in the wait to be loved back.

When Eyes Meet

The moment when you look at me
When my gaze met yours
The world stood so still
Witnessing what science couldn’t explain
But we didn’t realise
For we couldn’t look away
As time stopped and such peace
Engulfed us whole
In that moment, words passed between us
Words of understanding, words of trust
The silent words of our soul
That only you and I could hear
In that moment, we were together
For no reason other than
We were meant to be like this
I wish it were true outside this moment
This wish, I pity
This moment, I envy
But it is over before long, this moment
Before either of us could speak
Before either of us could blink
Over in a fraction of a second
Before either of us could savour
This reunion of souls.

Yet, I treasure this moment
And I hope you do too
However, even loving this moment
I am afraid to look at you
Afraid you’d be out of the daze
That I still am in
My head feels so heavy
I can hear my heart pounding so loud
Can you hear it? Would you ever?
My face feels flushed
I feel so embarrassed, yet so guilty.

The sands of time flow again
And the hourglass of my life drips on
Making my pathetic state:
Afraid to meet your eyes
Even though I would love to
Afraid to smile at you
Because you just might frown at me
Or carelessly sigh in disappointment
Yet, there is a part of me that feels
That you, like me, are afraid
That upon meeting my gaze
Your world would crash as mine.

My world would crash, you hear
Just by a heedless, thoughtless action of yours
For that is how much power
You hold over me
For that is how much power you possess
I am merely a vulnerable creature
Whom you could as easily crush
As give unlimited joy
I am afraid, if you knew
That you have that power
You may wield it without care
Hence, bring upon my destruction
And leave me shedding tears,
Sobbing the rest of my life
For your embrace
That’s how much you mean to me
And sometimes I wonder, I hope
That’s how much I mean to you too
‘Cause we’re too alike in this respect
In running away from each other
Only to collide
And have our gazes meet
As time, so still, witnesses our reunion.

Index

My Unsolved Mystery

In this wide world, there are far more than a few
And yet only with you, my fascination grew
To make sense of this absurdity, I write this poetry
Because you, my dear, are my unsolved mystery.

You are the reason my mind and heart are at war
So close you are, and yet you seem so far
Narcissistic, arrogant and sadistic you may be
Still, you are the only one for me.

I wonder who you are deep inside
Why you choose to project all these lies
This fascination with you, I did not decide
Because just seeing you, my heart sighs.

Only you can provide me with intellectual stimulation
Which you do although you have no obligation
Keeping me on the edge seems your intention
I swear it amuses you, my frustration.

Sometimes I think you wish me well
Other times, it seems, you want my life to be hell
But neither you nor I can deny our chemistry
Even if you, my dear, are my unsolved mystery.

About you, I wish to know everything
It never lets me rest, this clawing curiosity
With you, I know I’ll never get back my serenity
Because you, my dear, are my unsolved mystery.

I wonder what goes on in your mind
If I could read it, I would rewind
Back, far back, to know all your history
Because you, my dear, are my greatest mystery.

Pondering Love

My life became really rough
When I fell in love in a puff
It happened in a blink
Since, I have been on the brink

It makes me feel quite queer
Because in love, nothing is clear
Am I being selfish or selfless?
I can never stop being restless

My happiness depends on theirs
Is that what this world calls fair?
I feel love is silly and stupid
Just what have you done, Cupid?

No, I am not at all fine
I just can’t help but whine
Oh, being in love is tough!
Such bothersome stuff

I daydream all day long
But it doesn’t feel wrong
In love is a strange serenity
Even if it takes things to extremity

Before, I was proud of my mind
Now, it is of the idiot kind
Smart to stupid, I have become
I might as well go beat a drum

Often I find myself wonder
Whether love is a blunder
Is love good or evil?
Or simply something primeval?

Love is being stabbed by a knife
Bleeding, but still living life
It does never end, but start
Please be still my heart!

It’s easier to build a castle
To love is such a hassle!
I am not being truth-less
It’s just love that is ruthless

Love might just be a battle
Our life, it really does rattle
Love is quite a mystery
That has no victory

On and on, I keep pondering
For love always keeps bothering
I know not why I fell in love
Yet, I know that I can’t un-love!

Index

Compromise

In this world, once that one person has appeared, other people will just be a compromise. I do not want to compromise. I refuse to compromise.

Daily Prompt: Compromise

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Love or Pain?

Your presence is of a ghost
Ever haunting my mind
Or you might just be a Devil
For you are the cause of my pain
And I hate myself for not disliking it
For being so unable to hate you for it
Most of the time, I can bear it somehow

It is the distant ache of a fading bruise
Or a cut so deep that it left a scar
I find myself thinking of you
At odd times that bring along
A pain that cuts so sharp and true
That screams won’t escape me, my fear
Of you being just a distant memory

I almost cannot bear it, but I do so somehow
At times it feels my pain won’t ever end
It claws at my heart, gouging deeper
Salt being put on those wounds till they heal
Then again, it begins, never resting, repeating
My heart breaks and shatters
A broken fortress of glass

The shards cut me, causing me pain
Yet I heal, just enough to keep alive
While feeling this irrevocable love
Or is it just pain disguised as love?
The pain feels as if it would never end
Sometimes I don’t want it to end
The pain is what makes it so real

Or maybe I am a true masochist
To take pleasure and pride
Waiting for my tears to dry up
And again, for the pain to return
Again, and again, this endless cycle
Maybe love is the weapon of a sadist
And those who love, their toys to play

For in pain, I can still love
My love rises like a Phoenix from ashes
Yet, at times, I find myself wonder
Is it you I really love or the fantasy of you?
Is it your love that I want or just the pain of love?
It has been so long that I can’t remember
Which came first: my love for you or the pain?

But I can’t stop now even if I try
I can’t stop ever, if ever I try
Maybe I just don’t want it to stop
Like an inextinguishable flame, a Phoenix
Rising again from the ashes, never dying
For there is beauty in pain,
And a bitter kind of love.

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The Wait

I have been waiting
For a long time now
For something that’s out of my reach
For someone who doesn’t want me
And it’s imperative I stop
Before I breakdown
I am so, so close…
It’s frightening

The heartache stays a constant
Mayhap it’s just an illusion
Of shattered dreams
Barely held together
By fragments of hope
That my heart won’t let go
Perhaps it’s all in my head
No simple case of mind over matter
Yet maybe, my heart isn’t involved
For after all
The mind is the cause
With heart lies no fault

I cannot stop it, for it goes on
Starts so simply
With a smile, some words
And a feeling of belonging
Then comes the tsunami
Hope, tears, dreams
Wait, hurt, desperation
Trying to accept reality
But failing so miserably
Then hope, more tears…
On and on
It’s a vicious cycle
I have tried many times
To break free before it breaks me

Perhaps solitude would suit me better
Than someone who’s only half there
Than someone who doesn’t want to be there
Perhaps it’s the memories I miss
Not the person I had them with
Perhaps it’s for the potential
Of all that we could be
But all that we won’t be
No matter how much I keep wishing
Perhaps all I want is to break free
And smile, without any worries
For the wounds to close
For this habit of waiting to break
It’s going to be the end of me
I know, if I don’t stop soon

Yet, I know
At the end of the day
I won’t stop at all
And I’ll make reasons why I can’t–
Dreams haunting,
Memories playing in loop,
The fear of moving on
They’re all just excuses
Because the truth is
I don’t think I can stop
Not today, nor tomorrow
Or all the days to come
A part of me believes
My heart’s got no say
For there’s got to be something
That’s far greater at play
For if they occur too often
Even coincidences become fate
And certain people just matter more
For no known reason at all
So I’ll keep the wait
While my watch gets more and more vigilant
Because no matter what I think or do
Hope reigns and won’t let go

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Unrequited Love

Undeniable torture on its own
It’s pain my soul has known
Utterly confused and conflicted inside
For the one I need is the one blissfully unaware
Deaf, dumb and blind to my silent cries.

Unwanted but needed
A disease without a cure
Certain to scar, certain to wound
Treading sanity’s edge
A dormant demon’s want to strike consumes.

Faithfully silent, a shadow never seen
Impossible to shut, remain feelings unchosen
Red tears of agony bleeds my broken heart
Hollow yet certain of its want
And as ever, what’s not given, goes unreturned.

A state of pained mind impossible to leave
Utter loneliness all around my cage
Wanting to escape, wanting to savour
Salt on the wounds put lovingly in fervour.

And I beg of you to abandon
Indifference, my biggest foe
A slave to cowardice, yet craving the forbidden
A thirst gone unsatisfied, the proximity you ignore

Enduring merciless tests of time
As fate continues its cruel game
Fighting the creeping misery
Condemned to this unfair love unconditionally.

Forlorn hope retains its reign
And my bleeding heart clings on
To the last wisps of its life
Lonely still, as it was doomed to die.

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