poems

The Conundrum

I once met this boy

A calm, assuring yet arrogant angel

He drew me close and gave me joy

And then, too late, one day

I realised he was the Devil

And that I couldn’t walk away

I couldn’t help but inch closer

Still, for a while, everything seemed well

Time seemed to go slower and slower

Until, he opened his true eyes and bid me goodbye

And then gave me away to the fires of hell

Even falling, I just couldn’t help but cry

It hurt! Was it the misplaced trust, his betrayal?

Or that to love me, he was unable…

poems

My Far Away Land

There lies this land, out of reach

With many a happy memory,

With boundless happiness hard to breach,

And joy so full of melody.

,

This land, I never did visit

It knows not pain or sorrow

Where sadness, spite nor despair do exist,

And people look towards tomorrow.

.

A land full of love and peace,

That there lies no damning desperation

Free of inner demons haunting on their release

With no frustrations, no aspersions and no self-destruction.

.

Yet this land is just my illusion,

My abode against devastation.

poems

In The Meadow

With my eyes open,

I try to catch

The endless dreams,

From starry skies.

My arms held wide,

For the moon’s embrace.

A smile lives upon my lips

Wanting to capture the mesmerising beauty

Of a child’s paradise.

And hair flowing as the river,

Hugging the earth’s grassy realms

And the nature’s enchanting palette

Never lets the mischievous glint to die.

But the breeze on my face tells me

The sky is too far,

Hard to reach,

Hard to touch.

And a lone tear slowly trickles down my cheek,

Never to be found…

Shower Musings, Tidbits

Loops and Spirals

Loving you is being stuck in a never ending loop that just might turn into a spiral. With every turn, I start to take interest, like you, get a tad obsessed, love you, get really obsessed, miss the hell out of you, get high talking to you and love you truly madly deeply. Then we drift apart.

You stop replying, stop talking and when we do talk, all we do is fight. Then you ignore me, I get depressed. Eventually though, I ignore you too. As the days pass by, I decide you aren’t worth it and finally let go. There even comes a time that I am happy for you, wherever and with whomever you are.

Then one day, with no warning, it starts over again. And before I know it, I’m awaiting your texts again.

I’m not who I used to be though. A little more cautious, a little more hesitant. Even more afraid than I used to be, for I now know what heartbreak feels like.

But I’ll never forget. The first time I feel in love with you was the best and the worst time of my life. And I don’t know how many times I will fall in love with you during my lifetime. You were always my constant. You are my Sun. Scorching hot but it’s in your shadow that I truly shine.

Also, if anyone is on Wattpad, check this out —> https://my.w.tt/zrEJ3NlqCV

poems

Letting Go

I wish it was another whim
But God! I really love him
This secret, I entrust to you
So long, I kept it hidden from view
Perhaps, he is my personal totem
But I cannot love him out in open

He loves another, you see
Perhaps this is the way things may be
Even in the future, but I’ll be the same
Loving him, still hidden in shame
I am not ashamed, not really
I feel really sad, but never silly

Rather, I should say, he is precious
It has nothing to do with how he dresses
Nor his face, the manner of his speech
He has always been out of my reach
If he were any different, I’d be proud to say
Still, I would love him the same way

If I could, I’ll stay by him all day and night
And hug him, whenever I can, with all my might
I want to give him all he could ever desire
To watch, as his eyes light up with fire
What all he feels, I want to feel
All his cracks, this way, I want to heal

It’s strange, this wish, to hide him away
To keep him safe from harm’s way
This desire to cherish, to spoil him rotten
To give him joy that I’ve forgotten
As days turned to years, I still yearned
The flame in my heart, brighter it burned

Perhaps, soon all that is left of me would be ashes
But I know he will be even better as time passes
I know I am rather plain, and undeserving
But my love will always be unswerving
So, I wish him happiness, all the stars above
They say you should let go of the one you love

I am afraid my presence would be a rife
So I want not to interfere in his life
When I think of him, I always envision him smile
It hurts me to think along any other line
It is selfish of me, but him I really do miss
So, God, would you grant me this little wish?

All his life, would you have him smile?
And think of me, every once in a while…

poems

If Things Were Different

I am sorry, I should say
I am sorry for running away
For not taking your hand
When you extended it
For saying no and being so scared

I wish I had more courage
To be myself around you
I wish I hadn’t fidgeted so much
Or looked away
When your eyes met mine
Our gazes always seemed to meet
So uncannily, as if it were meant to be

I wish I had the courage
To look right at you
To look right through you
Through all your pretences
Beyond all social niceties
Just to meet your gaze and smile
Instead of shying away
Being so embarrassed
Feeling so guilty
As if I were committing a crime

I wish I had the courage
To let those words leave my lips
Words I ached to speak
Words that hurt so much
The words that held the longing
Both my heaven and hell
All that I kept suppressed

If I had the courage
To talk to you without restraint
As if that were true!
But if it were
I am sure I would have talked
For hours without end
Hoping, always hoping
That you wouldn’t be bored
That you would be hung on my every word
As I am on yours

I wish I had the courage
To overwhelm the fear I held
That you would leave me by myself
And then I would be all alone
Or worse, you would so it
After I get a taste of how we could be
I would wallow in sorrow
I am sure
I don’t think I could recover
From that blow
Or watch your retreating back

I am sure you are the most addictive
Imperfectly perfect
Loved for your flaws
The person I want to be with
Above all others
The person I do cherish
Above all others
The person whom I would be strongly ecstatic
To be belonging to
The person whom I want to be mine
As if humans were chattel!
Such a silly person I am

Yet, I wish to be yours
Somehow, that is what keeps
Driving me forward
Pushing me forth
Even though I have yet to
Have the courage to even
Meet your damned gaze!

I wish I could know you
Truly, and not just in my dreams
Outside my dreams
Outside all that I wish for
And all that happens in
That fictional world in my mind
Where we have lived many lives
And all of them together

If only it were as simple
To meet your gaze
See you smile at me
Resonate that profound emotion
And be yours, only yours
Forever.

Shower Musings, Tidbits

Love Is In The Wait

How do you love someone who doesn’t and wouldn’t love you back?

I have asked myself this question more times than I’ve answered it.

The answer is fickle and changes every time; my love for him doesn’t.

He’s an idiot. Or maybe it is me, who is the fool.

He used to talk to me. If he didn’t like me he shouldn’t have talked. Especially not for humouring me.

He used to text me. He still does sometimes, on rare days that are so endangered that they might as well be extinct. But these days, he talks in syllables, not words. And definitely not sentences.

As I said, these instances are rare. Most days, he just ignores me. He doesn’t even bother with an emoji.

There was a time when he used to tease me with an emoji or something like “okay” or “k” or “yes” again and again till I got so annoyed I texted him mock death threats that I somehow knew he would be laughing at. Perhaps he even did, but I would never know for sure.

It is not like we even talk anymore. At all.

But what I have realised is that you don’t need love to be loving someone. Hope is all you need, however dismal.

Love, though….Love is in the wait to be loved back.

poems

When Eyes Meet

The moment when you look at me
When my gaze met yours
The world stood so still
Witnessing what science couldn’t explain
But we didn’t realise
For we couldn’t look away
As time stopped and such peace
Engulfed us whole
In that moment, words passed between us
Words of understanding, words of trust
The silent words of our soul
That only you and I could hear
In that moment, we were together
For no reason other than
We were meant to be like this
I wish it were true outside this moment
This wish, I pity
This moment, I envy
But it is over before long, this moment
Before either of us could speak
Before either of us could blink
Over in a fraction of a second
Before either of us could savour
This reunion of souls.

Yet, I treasure this moment
And I hope you do too
However, even loving this moment
I am afraid to look at you
Afraid you’d be out of the daze
That I still am in
My head feels so heavy
I can hear my heart pounding so loud
Can you hear it? Would you ever?
My face feels flushed
I feel so embarrassed, yet so guilty.

The sands of time flow again
And the hourglass of my life drips on
Making my pathetic state:
Afraid to meet your eyes
Even though I would love to
Afraid to smile at you
Because you just might frown at me
Or carelessly sigh in disappointment
Yet, there is a part of me that feels
That you, like me, are afraid
That upon meeting my gaze
Your world would crash as mine.

My world would crash, you hear
Just by a heedless, thoughtless action of yours
For that is how much power
You hold over me
For that is how much power you possess
I am merely a vulnerable creature
Whom you could as easily crush
As give unlimited joy
I am afraid, if you knew
That you have that power
You may wield it without care
Hence, bring upon my destruction
And leave me shedding tears,
Sobbing the rest of my life
For your embrace
That’s how much you mean to me
And sometimes I wonder, I hope
That’s how much I mean to you too
‘Cause we’re too alike in this respect
In running away from each other
Only to collide
And have our gazes meet
As time, so still, witnesses our reunion.

Index

poems

My Unsolved Mystery

In this wide world, there are far more than a few
And yet only with you, my fascination grew
To make sense of this absurdity, I write this poetry
Because you, my dear, are my unsolved mystery.

You are the reason my mind and heart are at war
So close you are, and yet you seem so far
Narcissistic, arrogant and sadistic you may be
Still, you are the only one for me.

I wonder who you are deep inside
Why you choose to project all these lies
This fascination with you, I did not decide
Because just seeing you, my heart sighs.

Only you can provide me with intellectual stimulation
Which you do although you have no obligation
Keeping me on the edge seems your intention
I swear it amuses you, my frustration.

Sometimes I think you wish me well
Other times, it seems, you want my life to be hell
But neither you nor I can deny our chemistry
Even if you, my dear, are my unsolved mystery.

About you, I wish to know everything
It never lets me rest, this clawing curiosity
With you, I know I’ll never get back my serenity
Because you, my dear, are my unsolved mystery.

I wonder what goes on in your mind
If I could read it, I would rewind
Back, far back, to know all your history
Because you, my dear, are my greatest mystery.

poems

Pondering Love

My life became really rough
When I fell in love in a puff
It happened in a blink
Since, I have been on the brink

It makes me feel quite queer
Because in love, nothing is clear
Am I being selfish or selfless?
I can never stop being restless

My happiness depends on theirs
Is that what this world calls fair?
I feel love is silly and stupid
Just what have you done, Cupid?

No, I am not at all fine
I just can’t help but whine
Oh, being in love is tough!
Such bothersome stuff

I daydream all day long
But it doesn’t feel wrong
In love is a strange serenity
Even if it takes things to extremity

Before, I was proud of my mind
Now, it is of the idiot kind
Smart to stupid, I have become
I might as well go beat a drum

Often I find myself wonder
Whether love is a blunder
Is love good or evil?
Or simply something primeval?

Love is being stabbed by a knife
Bleeding, but still living life
It does never end, but start
Please be still my heart!

It’s easier to build a castle
To love is such a hassle!
I am not being truth-less
It’s just love that is ruthless

Love might just be a battle
Our life, it really does rattle
Love is quite a mystery
That has no victory

On and on, I keep pondering
For love always keeps bothering
I know not why I fell in love
Yet, I know that I can’t un-love!

Index

poems

Love or Pain?

Your presence is of a ghost
Ever haunting my mind
Or you might just be a Devil
For you are the cause of my pain
And I hate myself for not disliking it
For being so unable to hate you for it
Most of the time, I can bear it somehow

It is the distant ache of a fading bruise
Or a cut so deep that it left a scar
I find myself thinking of you
At odd times that bring along
A pain that cuts so sharp and true
That screams won’t escape me, my fear
Of you being just a distant memory

I almost cannot bear it, but I do so somehow
At times it feels my pain won’t ever end
It claws at my heart, gouging deeper
Salt being put on those wounds till they heal
Then again, it begins, never resting, repeating
My heart breaks and shatters
A broken fortress of glass

The shards cut me, causing me pain
Yet I heal, just enough to keep alive
While feeling this irrevocable love
Or is it just pain disguised as love?
The pain feels as if it would never end
Sometimes I don’t want it to end
The pain is what makes it so real

Or maybe I am a true masochist
To take pleasure and pride
Waiting for my tears to dry up
And again, for the pain to return
Again, and again, this endless cycle
Maybe love is the weapon of a sadist
And those who love, their toys to play

For in pain, I can still love
My love rises like a Phoenix from ashes
Yet, at times, I find myself wonder
Is it you I really love or the fantasy of you?
Is it your love that I want or just the pain of love?
It has been so long that I can’t remember
Which came first: my love for you or the pain?

But I can’t stop now even if I try
I can’t stop ever, if ever I try
Maybe I just don’t want it to stop
Like an inextinguishable flame, a Phoenix
Rising again from the ashes, never dying
For there is beauty in pain,
And a bitter kind of love.

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poems

The Wait

I have been waiting
For a long time now
For something that’s out of my reach
For someone who doesn’t want me
And it’s imperative I stop
Before I breakdown
I am so, so close…
It’s frightening

The heartache stays a constant
Mayhap it’s just an illusion
Of shattered dreams
Barely held together
By fragments of hope
That my heart won’t let go
Perhaps it’s all in my head
No simple case of mind over matter
Yet maybe, my heart isn’t involved
For after all
The mind is the cause
With heart lies no fault

I cannot stop it, for it goes on
Starts so simply
With a smile, some words
And a feeling of belonging
Then comes the tsunami
Hope, tears, dreams
Wait, hurt, desperation
Trying to accept reality
But failing so miserably
Then hope, more tears…
On and on
It’s a vicious cycle
I have tried many times
To break free before it breaks me

Perhaps solitude would suit me better
Than someone who’s only half there
Than someone who doesn’t want to be there
Perhaps it’s the memories I miss
Not the person I had them with
Perhaps it’s for the potential
Of all that we could be
But all that we won’t be
No matter how much I keep wishing
Perhaps all I want is to break free
And smile, without any worries
For the wounds to close
For this habit of waiting to break
It’s going to be the end of me
I know, if I don’t stop soon

Yet, I know
At the end of the day
I won’t stop at all
And I’ll make reasons why I can’t–
Dreams haunting,
Memories playing in loop,
The fear of moving on
They’re all just excuses
Because the truth is
I don’t think I can stop
Not today, nor tomorrow
Or all the days to come
A part of me believes
My heart’s got no say
For there’s got to be something
That’s far greater at play
For if they occur too often
Even coincidences become fate
And certain people just matter more
For no known reason at all
So I’ll keep the wait
While my watch gets more and more vigilant
Because no matter what I think or do
Hope reigns and won’t let go

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poems

Unrequited Love

Undeniable torture on its own
It’s pain my soul has known
Utterly confused and conflicted inside
For the one I need is the one blissfully unaware
Deaf, dumb and blind to my silent cries.

Unwanted but needed
A disease without a cure
Certain to scar, certain to wound
Treading sanity’s edge
A dormant demon’s want to strike consumes.

Faithfully silent, a shadow never seen
Impossible to shut, remain feelings unchosen
Red tears of agony bleeds my broken heart
Hollow yet certain of its want
And as ever, what’s not given, goes unreturned.

A state of pained mind impossible to leave
Utter loneliness all around my cage
Wanting to escape, wanting to savour
Salt on the wounds put lovingly in fervour.

And I beg of you to abandon
Indifference, my biggest foe
A slave to cowardice, yet craving the forbidden
A thirst gone unsatisfied, the proximity you ignore

Enduring merciless tests of time
As fate continues its cruel game
Fighting the creeping misery
Condemned to this unfair love unconditionally.

Forlorn hope retains its reign
And my bleeding heart clings on
To the last wisps of its life
Lonely still, as it was doomed to die.

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Tidbits

Memories Fade

Memories fade
As years pass by
They are but a shade
Of a time that was
Of a time that isn’t coming back
I wish they would stay
Forever, crystal clear
So I can live the good times
Over and over again
Though, I should be thankful
For I have painful times
And I’d rather not brood

Yet, when memories fade
So does your face
Your eyes, your smile
Oh! That infectious laugh
The jokes, the teasing
Eyes meeting
The late night talks
And maybe, just maybe
Pouring my heart out
Staying up late
Sometimes crying,
Sometimes laughing
It doesn’t make sense anymore

One day, I realise
They are all gone
The things that made my day
All reduced to my past
I have a hard time believing
They were real
That this really happened
That it wasn’t just a dream
But it all just feels out of reach
Too far, and I feel lost
Without the things that grounded me
Made me wake up and smile
And simply dragged my arse out of bed
Even early, when I’d rather sleep
On odd days that were too few
Odd days that are all gone now

Before, you were just a dream
I dreamt of day and night
Then, you were my reality
But it still felt like a dream
Too good to be ever true
I should have cherished you more
But I never realised it
When it stopped being a dream
And became what I lived for
Too late, it was too late
And then, you were just a memory
A really, really precious memory
I wish it wasn’t a box full of memories
That I have, but you, in flesh and blood
Clothed in layers upon layers of sarcasm
As imperfect as you always are
Who knew, that the things
That annoyed me the most
Would be the things I really miss
But memories tend to fade…

As years pass
As memories fade
People can’t help but change
Yet some things remain the same
Like I still love you
Even after all these years
I still can’t seem to stop
I think I am a stubborn bitch
I just want to know you,
Better than I know myself
I just want to be there for you,
Always, just always
It won’t seem as long as it is
Time flies by, when I’m with you
Now is better than just memories
I promise I’ll try to behave
Just hurry back
I’ll be waiting
Forever, if I must

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poems, Tidbits

The Distance

He is so far away
That my hands can’t hold him
That my fingers can’t touch him
That my eyes can’t see him
That my ears won’t hear his voice
Yet not so far
That my heart stops weeping for him

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Shower Musings

Silent

There are times in life when you want to scream out loud, shout at the world for being so unfair, for moulding your being into hell. Your cries of pain, your yells of injustice and your pleas for mercy are drowned in the silence you choose to portray.

It is true what they say- the people who are the most silent have the loudest minds.

You want to scream, but your better judgment doesn’t allow you to, forcing you to bury all your pain under layers of forced smiles. Even though you know it kills you to do that. Even though you know there is only so much you can handle. But you’d rather do that then bear the ridicule once.

You are a coward, but then self-preservation is human nature. However, self-preservation is also self-destruction.

Like the ocean, you collect all that fury, all that injustice, dissolving the pain in your being. But there is only so much salt even the ocean can dissolve.

Eventually, there comes a time when you have to let it go, when the small things have accumulated into being big things you simply can’t handle. Like the grains of sand that make a dessert. Like drops of water that make the ocean. Like thousands, millions of cells that make a living organism.

Your bottled anger, your fury comes out when your patience is all used up and you can bear no more. Not in the small forms they accumulated, but in the form of a tsunami, destroying everything in its path.

But even knowing this, you choose to be silent.

Stifle: Daily Prompts

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Uncategorized

I Wonder Why… When I Shouldn’t

I wonder why I feel betrayed
When I shouldn’t
I wonder why I care so much
When I shouldn’t
I wonder why it hurts so much
When it shouldn’t
Pitiful, a wounded creature
That’s what I am
Crawling, slowly and determined,
Behind the sadist himself
Who had hurt her
I hate to be this person
But I don’t know how to stop
And even if I did
I am afraid that
A part of my soul would leave me
I am afraid to lose you
You, who never were mine
You, who never would be mine.

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poems

My Love

My love for him is inscrutable
My mind irrevocable
My heart incorrigible
This fate inevitable

My love for him is unconditional
My trust illogical
To a soul so ethereal
The peace he brings is mystical

My love is iridescent
His eyes incandescent
His lips form eloquent
His flaws are irrelevant

My love for him is ineffable
My faith unstoppable
My joy uncontrollable
This awe inexpressible

My love for him is inscrutable
My mind irrevocable
My heart incorrigible
Our fate inevitable

Inscrutable: Daily Prompts
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