poems

In The Meadow

With my eyes open,

I try to catch

The endless dreams,

From starry skies.

My arms held wide,

For the moon’s embrace.

A smile lives upon my lips

Wanting to capture the mesmerising beauty

Of a child’s paradise.

And hair flowing as the river,

Hugging the earth’s grassy realms

And the nature’s enchanting palette

Never lets the mischievous glint to die.

But the breeze on my face tells me

The sky is too far,

Hard to reach,

Hard to touch.

And a lone tear slowly trickles down my cheek,

Never to be found…

Tidbits

Voice

I’m in love with the way your voice embraces my name.

It was the first time I realised I was in love, when you called out to me out of the blue.

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Shower Musings, Tidbits

Loops and Spirals

Loving you is being stuck in a never ending loop that just might turn into a spiral. With every turn, I start to take interest, like you, get a tad obsessed, love you, get really obsessed, miss the hell out of you, get high talking to you and love you truly madly deeply. Then we drift apart.

You stop replying, stop talking and when we do talk, all we do is fight. Then you ignore me, I get depressed. Eventually though, I ignore you too. As the days pass by, I decide you aren’t worth it and finally let go. There even comes a time that I am happy for you, wherever and with whomever you are.

Then one day, with no warning, it starts over again. And before I know it, I’m awaiting your texts again.

I’m not who I used to be though. A little more cautious, a little more hesitant. Even more afraid than I used to be, for I now know what heartbreak feels like.

But I’ll never forget. The first time I feel in love with you was the best and the worst time of my life. And I don’t know how many times I will fall in love with you during my lifetime. You were always my constant. You are my Sun. Scorching hot but it’s in your shadow that I truly shine.

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poems

Letting Go

I wish it was another whim
But God! I really love him
This secret, I entrust to you
So long, I kept it hidden from view
Perhaps, he is my personal totem
But I cannot love him out in open

He loves another, you see
Perhaps this is the way things may be
Even in the future, but I’ll be the same
Loving him, still hidden in shame
I am not ashamed, not really
I feel really sad, but never silly

Rather, I should say, he is precious
It has nothing to do with how he dresses
Nor his face, the manner of his speech
He has always been out of my reach
If he were any different, I’d be proud to say
Still, I would love him the same way

If I could, I’ll stay by him all day and night
And hug him, whenever I can, with all my might
I want to give him all he could ever desire
To watch, as his eyes light up with fire
What all he feels, I want to feel
All his cracks, this way, I want to heal

It’s strange, this wish, to hide him away
To keep him safe from harm’s way
This desire to cherish, to spoil him rotten
To give him joy that I’ve forgotten
As days turned to years, I still yearned
The flame in my heart, brighter it burned

Perhaps, soon all that is left of me would be ashes
But I know he will be even better as time passes
I know I am rather plain, and undeserving
But my love will always be unswerving
So, I wish him happiness, all the stars above
They say you should let go of the one you love

I am afraid my presence would be a rife
So I want not to interfere in his life
When I think of him, I always envision him smile
It hurts me to think along any other line
It is selfish of me, but him I really do miss
So, God, would you grant me this little wish?

All his life, would you have him smile?
And think of me, every once in a while…

poems

When Eyes Meet

The moment when you look at me
When my gaze met yours
The world stood so still
Witnessing what science couldn’t explain
But we didn’t realise
For we couldn’t look away
As time stopped and such peace
Engulfed us whole
In that moment, words passed between us
Words of understanding, words of trust
The silent words of our soul
That only you and I could hear
In that moment, we were together
For no reason other than
We were meant to be like this
I wish it were true outside this moment
This wish, I pity
This moment, I envy
But it is over before long, this moment
Before either of us could speak
Before either of us could blink
Over in a fraction of a second
Before either of us could savour
This reunion of souls.

Yet, I treasure this moment
And I hope you do too
However, even loving this moment
I am afraid to look at you
Afraid you’d be out of the daze
That I still am in
My head feels so heavy
I can hear my heart pounding so loud
Can you hear it? Would you ever?
My face feels flushed
I feel so embarrassed, yet so guilty.

The sands of time flow again
And the hourglass of my life drips on
Making my pathetic state:
Afraid to meet your eyes
Even though I would love to
Afraid to smile at you
Because you just might frown at me
Or carelessly sigh in disappointment
Yet, there is a part of me that feels
That you, like me, are afraid
That upon meeting my gaze
Your world would crash as mine.

My world would crash, you hear
Just by a heedless, thoughtless action of yours
For that is how much power
You hold over me
For that is how much power you possess
I am merely a vulnerable creature
Whom you could as easily crush
As give unlimited joy
I am afraid, if you knew
That you have that power
You may wield it without care
Hence, bring upon my destruction
And leave me shedding tears,
Sobbing the rest of my life
For your embrace
That’s how much you mean to me
And sometimes I wonder, I hope
That’s how much I mean to you too
‘Cause we’re too alike in this respect
In running away from each other
Only to collide
And have our gazes meet
As time, so still, witnesses our reunion.

Index

poems

Love or Pain?

Your presence is of a ghost
Ever haunting my mind
Or you might just be a Devil
For you are the cause of my pain
And I hate myself for not disliking it
For being so unable to hate you for it
Most of the time, I can bear it somehow

It is the distant ache of a fading bruise
Or a cut so deep that it left a scar
I find myself thinking of you
At odd times that bring along
A pain that cuts so sharp and true
That screams won’t escape me, my fear
Of you being just a distant memory

I almost cannot bear it, but I do so somehow
At times it feels my pain won’t ever end
It claws at my heart, gouging deeper
Salt being put on those wounds till they heal
Then again, it begins, never resting, repeating
My heart breaks and shatters
A broken fortress of glass

The shards cut me, causing me pain
Yet I heal, just enough to keep alive
While feeling this irrevocable love
Or is it just pain disguised as love?
The pain feels as if it would never end
Sometimes I don’t want it to end
The pain is what makes it so real

Or maybe I am a true masochist
To take pleasure and pride
Waiting for my tears to dry up
And again, for the pain to return
Again, and again, this endless cycle
Maybe love is the weapon of a sadist
And those who love, their toys to play

For in pain, I can still love
My love rises like a Phoenix from ashes
Yet, at times, I find myself wonder
Is it you I really love or the fantasy of you?
Is it your love that I want or just the pain of love?
It has been so long that I can’t remember
Which came first: my love for you or the pain?

But I can’t stop now even if I try
I can’t stop ever, if ever I try
Maybe I just don’t want it to stop
Like an inextinguishable flame, a Phoenix
Rising again from the ashes, never dying
For there is beauty in pain,
And a bitter kind of love.

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poems

Unrequited Love

Undeniable torture on its own
It’s pain my soul has known
Utterly confused and conflicted inside
For the one I need is the one blissfully unaware
Deaf, dumb and blind to my silent cries.

Unwanted but needed
A disease without a cure
Certain to scar, certain to wound
Treading sanity’s edge
A dormant demon’s want to strike consumes.

Faithfully silent, a shadow never seen
Impossible to shut, remain feelings unchosen
Red tears of agony bleeds my broken heart
Hollow yet certain of its want
And as ever, what’s not given, goes unreturned.

A state of pained mind impossible to leave
Utter loneliness all around my cage
Wanting to escape, wanting to savour
Salt on the wounds put lovingly in fervour.

And I beg of you to abandon
Indifference, my biggest foe
A slave to cowardice, yet craving the forbidden
A thirst gone unsatisfied, the proximity you ignore

Enduring merciless tests of time
As fate continues its cruel game
Fighting the creeping misery
Condemned to this unfair love unconditionally.

Forlorn hope retains its reign
And my bleeding heart clings on
To the last wisps of its life
Lonely still, as it was doomed to die.

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Tidbits

Memories Fade

Memories fade
As years pass by
They are but a shade
Of a time that was
Of a time that isn’t coming back
I wish they would stay
Forever, crystal clear
So I can live the good times
Over and over again
Though, I should be thankful
For I have painful times
And I’d rather not brood

Yet, when memories fade
So does your face
Your eyes, your smile
Oh! That infectious laugh
The jokes, the teasing
Eyes meeting
The late night talks
And maybe, just maybe
Pouring my heart out
Staying up late
Sometimes crying,
Sometimes laughing
It doesn’t make sense anymore

One day, I realise
They are all gone
The things that made my day
All reduced to my past
I have a hard time believing
They were real
That this really happened
That it wasn’t just a dream
But it all just feels out of reach
Too far, and I feel lost
Without the things that grounded me
Made me wake up and smile
And simply dragged my arse out of bed
Even early, when I’d rather sleep
On odd days that were too few
Odd days that are all gone now

Before, you were just a dream
I dreamt of day and night
Then, you were my reality
But it still felt like a dream
Too good to be ever true
I should have cherished you more
But I never realised it
When it stopped being a dream
And became what I lived for
Too late, it was too late
And then, you were just a memory
A really, really precious memory
I wish it wasn’t a box full of memories
That I have, but you, in flesh and blood
Clothed in layers upon layers of sarcasm
As imperfect as you always are
Who knew, that the things
That annoyed me the most
Would be the things I really miss
But memories tend to fade…

As years pass
As memories fade
People can’t help but change
Yet some things remain the same
Like I still love you
Even after all these years
I still can’t seem to stop
I think I am a stubborn bitch
I just want to know you,
Better than I know myself
I just want to be there for you,
Always, just always
It won’t seem as long as it is
Time flies by, when I’m with you
Now is better than just memories
I promise I’ll try to behave
Just hurry back
I’ll be waiting
Forever, if I must

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poems, Tidbits

The Distance

He is so far away
That my hands can’t hold him
That my fingers can’t touch him
That my eyes can’t see him
That my ears won’t hear his voice
Yet not so far
That my heart stops weeping for him

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Uncategorized

I Wonder Why… When I Shouldn’t

I wonder why I feel betrayed
When I shouldn’t
I wonder why I care so much
When I shouldn’t
I wonder why it hurts so much
When it shouldn’t
Pitiful, a wounded creature
That’s what I am
Crawling, slowly and determined,
Behind the sadist himself
Who had hurt her
I hate to be this person
But I don’t know how to stop
And even if I did
I am afraid that
A part of my soul would leave me
I am afraid to lose you
You, who never were mine
You, who never would be mine.

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poems

A Promise (of sorts)

If you’d have me
I promise
Rain, hail, sleet or snow
I’ll stand by you
Till the sky would fall
For with you
Storms would seem nice
The moon, really hollow
And the sun who blinds me
Would be you, the one I love
Even if in the end
There would be nothing
Left of me, but ashes

If you won’t have me
I still promise
That I’ll wait
All my life
Till the end of time:
Till the last painted leaf
Falls from the painted tree
I think I’ll be waiting for a long time
With the sort of hope
That a child has,
With the kind of loneliness
That doesn’t leave your heart
I don’t think I can help it

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poems

18 Days Without You

This poem is the one closest to my heart. It’s long, and also more of an ode than just a poem.

On the last day of the session
I couldn’t shake off this aberration
I may never see you again!
The dread froze in my brain
The insecurity crept up my veins
The thought broke my heart
And the unsolved riddle,
Stopped me from living life.
So I tried to drink you in,
Preserve the little that was my everything
You weren’t made to be a forgotten lore
But someone to be cherished, forever more.

My faith in you had no bound
For like the sun, you rose every dawn
You didn’t know you were blinding, my sunshine
And that your smile was what made my day
And a single word addressed to me,
Far sweeter than any lullaby
You were my drug; you are still my addiction
And for that, your seven sins are all forgiven.
Ignore me all you want, don’t glance at me at all
It’s impossible to change my state of mind
I still want to die in your arms and no others
And will always continue to love, crave and care
For you are as mine as I am yours.

The 18 days that sucked out my lifetime
Each worse than its harbinger
And with surety now, I know
Some infinities are far greater than the others.
The first three days I lived in hope
For I was tucked up in my humble home
Though by the sixth, I was quite unsure
My belief, I believe, was misplaced
For you never showed up again
On the seventh, eighth and ninth,
I swear I heard murder cry
Staining my world with her broken tears
As the mourning dove sung a doleful tune

Each day I woke up with new hope
Only to have it crushed under your invisible boot
Unwanted, unnoticed, I walked through crowds
The world oblivious to my despicable woe
For the next three days,
I felt like a lost soul wandering in hell’s dimensions
There had never been any greater desperation
For I wished, I prayed, I requested
I appealed, I pleaded and begged
That I was all but my mind’s illusion
Wanting wake from a nightmare so full of dire
That the masterpiece of horror in comparison
Seemed nothing but a mere hallucination

Through a dozen days and three more
I tried not to hear, but eavesdrop
Watch out for any information
Though all my efforts led to naught
In finding your whereabouts
Your name still sent shivers down my throat
So I wished for the mirage to come alive
For you comforted me with your presence
Now, there is neither you nor serenity
Please come out of hiding; tell me where you are
I promise I’ll give you all I ever had
Sunshine, my dear sunshine,
I trust you, not with my heart
But to burn the black clouds that hold you back

The next morning, I dreamt of a world together,
Of held hands and stolen passion
And little secrets hidden in your iris
With mysteries that lay as deep as night
I sure could have lost myself in those eyes
I even believe I did, for waking up
Shattered my new found comfort
And I drowned again in sorrow’s ocean.
No sun charmed his way though my midnight
No warmth kissed away the ice in me
A hollow tool, I walked the earth
Unsure, without you, of her purpose

It’s only been seventeen days since I last saw you
I lie counting the days without your smoldering glance
Then why does it feel like a lifetime?
I miss you, I really do; and I regret
It’s only a bulb full of memories of you that I have
And not my blinding, perfect sunshine
Just ask, ask me once
Let me hear that siren’s call
And unable to resist the melody’s lure
I’ll swim through the severest of tempests
And unleash my claws to do you right
Always by your side, even if my right is the white.

The eighteenth day, is not my last
But still numb with pain, I strive ahead
For pain, my darling, demands to be felt
And in its stubborn wake I live
Not by choice, but by will
And because I know no other way than
Waiting for my sun to brighten my day
For one day, the clouds would part
And the rain would cease its fall
You’d risk a peek from beneath those lush lashes
And nothing would stop your red-hot sunshine
From streaming through my eyes again

The sun is whom I most adore
The one who conquered my mind, heart and soul
Hence, I present you with this crown
My conqueror, my love, my king
For princes don’t have that much influence
To sway me from the path set eons ago.
On the strands of truth woven by fate herself
This infinite wait stretches on and on,
Towards the forever out of reach
I can’t promise an eternity
But I must promise you this
I’ll wait for you as long as I live
These 18 days were just the beginning.

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