Letting Go

I wish it was another whim
But God! I really love him
This secret, I entrust to you
So long, I kept it hidden from view
Perhaps, he is my personal totem
But I cannot love him out in open

He loves another, you see
Perhaps this is the way things may be
Even in the future, but I’ll be the same
Loving him, still hidden in shame
I am not ashamed, not really
I feel really sad, but never silly

Rather, I should say, he is precious
It has nothing to do with how he dresses
Nor his face, the manner of his speech
He has always been out of my reach
If he were any different, I’d be proud to say
Still, I would love him the same way

If I could, I’ll stay by him all day and night
And hug him, whenever I can, with all my might
I want to give him all he could ever desire
To watch, as his eyes light up with fire
What all he feels, I want to feel
All his cracks, this way, I want to heal

It’s strange, this wish, to hide him away
To keep him safe from harm’s way
This desire to cherish, to spoil him rotten
To give him joy that I’ve forgotten
As days turned to years, I still yearned
The flame in my heart, brighter it burned

Perhaps, soon all that is left of me would be ashes
But I know he will be even better as time passes
I know I am rather plain, and undeserving
But my love will always be unswerving
So, I wish him happiness, all the stars above
They say you should let go of the one you love

I am afraid my presence would be a rife
So I want not to interfere in his life
When I think of him, I always envision him smile
It hurts me to think along any other line
It is selfish of me, but him I really do miss
So, God, would you grant me this little wish?

All his life, would you have him smile?
And think of me, every once in a while…


18 Days Without You

This poem is the one closest to my heart. It’s long, and also more of an ode than just a poem.

On the last day of the session
I couldn’t shake off this aberration
I may never see you again!
The dread froze in my brain
The insecurity crept up my veins
The thought broke my heart
And the unsolved riddle,
Stopped me from living life.
So I tried to drink you in,
Preserve the little that was my everything
You weren’t made to be a forgotten lore
But someone to be cherished, forever more.

My faith in you had no bound
For like the sun, you rose every dawn
You didn’t know you were blinding, my sunshine
And that your smile was what made my day
And a single word addressed to me,
Far sweeter than any lullaby
You were my drug; you are still my addiction
And for that, your seven sins are all forgiven.
Ignore me all you want, don’t glance at me at all
It’s impossible to change my state of mind
I still want to die in your arms and no others
And will always continue to love, crave and care
For you are as mine as I am yours.

The 18 days that sucked out my lifetime
Each worse than its harbinger
And with surety now, I know
Some infinities are far greater than the others.
The first three days I lived in hope
For I was tucked up in my humble home
Though by the sixth, I was quite unsure
My belief, I believe, was misplaced
For you never showed up again
On the seventh, eighth and ninth,
I swear I heard murder cry
Staining my world with her broken tears
As the mourning dove sung a doleful tune

Each day I woke up with new hope
Only to have it crushed under your invisible boot
Unwanted, unnoticed, I walked through crowds
The world oblivious to my despicable woe
For the next three days,
I felt like a lost soul wandering in hell’s dimensions
There had never been any greater desperation
For I wished, I prayed, I requested
I appealed, I pleaded and begged
That I was all but my mind’s illusion
Wanting wake from a nightmare so full of dire
That the masterpiece of horror in comparison
Seemed nothing but a mere hallucination

Through a dozen days and three more
I tried not to hear, but eavesdrop
Watch out for any information
Though all my efforts led to naught
In finding your whereabouts
Your name still sent shivers down my throat
So I wished for the mirage to come alive
For you comforted me with your presence
Now, there is neither you nor serenity
Please come out of hiding; tell me where you are
I promise I’ll give you all I ever had
Sunshine, my dear sunshine,
I trust you, not with my heart
But to burn the black clouds that hold you back

The next morning, I dreamt of a world together,
Of held hands and stolen passion
And little secrets hidden in your iris
With mysteries that lay as deep as night
I sure could have lost myself in those eyes
I even believe I did, for waking up
Shattered my new found comfort
And I drowned again in sorrow’s ocean.
No sun charmed his way though my midnight
No warmth kissed away the ice in me
A hollow tool, I walked the earth
Unsure, without you, of her purpose

It’s only been seventeen days since I last saw you
I lie counting the days without your smoldering glance
Then why does it feel like a lifetime?
I miss you, I really do; and I regret
It’s only a bulb full of memories of you that I have
And not my blinding, perfect sunshine
Just ask, ask me once
Let me hear that siren’s call
And unable to resist the melody’s lure
I’ll swim through the severest of tempests
And unleash my claws to do you right
Always by your side, even if my right is the white.

The eighteenth day, is not my last
But still numb with pain, I strive ahead
For pain, my darling, demands to be felt
And in its stubborn wake I live
Not by choice, but by will
And because I know no other way than
Waiting for my sun to brighten my day
For one day, the clouds would part
And the rain would cease its fall
You’d risk a peek from beneath those lush lashes
And nothing would stop your red-hot sunshine
From streaming through my eyes again

The sun is whom I most adore
The one who conquered my mind, heart and soul
Hence, I present you with this crown
My conqueror, my love, my king
For princes don’t have that much influence
To sway me from the path set eons ago.
On the strands of truth woven by fate herself
This infinite wait stretches on and on,
Towards the forever out of reach
I can’t promise an eternity
But I must promise you this
I’ll wait for you as long as I live
These 18 days were just the beginning.

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